Silent screams
Muffled cries
My body rocks with grief I can’t describe with any words or songs or stories
How can I go on knowing my dreams of you are no longer alive? What do I daydream of now?
My arms are empty
Yet my womb is not
It still holds on
Thinking you’re still there, growing
My body is nourishing only an idea
Your heart stopped long ago
Still my body holds on
My mind can’t fathom why
How can I miss someone so deeply i’ve never met,
And yet I feel peace knowing Who holds them?
I feel stuck in a dance between grief and grace
My heart aches
And then it’s fine
My smile is forced
And then it comes truly
I feel selfish for living
While you don’t
Laughing when you’re not here
For me to smile down on
How can I let go of all my plans for you, love? Plans to
Hold you and sing to you and make you feel so safe and whole
I would give my life
For you to have yours
For your daddy to hold you
To learn from you and to teach you
He would love you
He would lead you
He would never leave you
He would become new because of you
How do I look at your daddy and not think of you? I knew you were going to have his eyes.
I wait for my body to let yours go
Knowing you aren’t here anymore
You’re with Our Father
And you are whole and happy there
You’ve never known sin or grief
You’ve never known pain or sorrow
I’ve never been able to hold you,
But knowing Who does heals my soul
How can I be so broken, and yet have my cracks filled by the thought of being your mama? How can those cracks fill knowing I’ll never hear you call me by that name?
I am broken
I am whole
I am sad not to have met you
And I am anxious for the day I can
I love you, little one
Your life is etched on my heart
It’s there on your daddy’s too
We can’t wait to meet you
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